Middle Park Football Club

"If God wanted us to play football in the clouds, he’d have put grass up there." -Brian Clough

On Sunday, July 6, 2008, Middle Park Football Club was temporarily transported to an alternate universe. It is a universe where Wimbledon was the dominant force in English football in the ‘80s, not Liverpool. It is a universe where the passing, movement, and individual brilliance exhibited by Barcelona and Arsenal is scoffed at and Sam Allardyce’s Bolton Wanderers are revered as if they were the 1970 Brazil team or the 1974 Dutch team. It is a universe where Albert Park Spiders can win 11 matches on the bounce at the start of a season playing the most unimaginative combination of hoofed long balls and long throw-ins you’re ever likely of having the misfortune of witnessing.

Having turned around their diabolical early-season form to earn three victories and a draw from their past five matches, the Parkers went into the match confident of inflicting a first defeat of the season on their near neighbours from Lagoon Reserve. In the dressing room before the match, there were many words of praise for the way in which the boys had played in the past few weeks, along with words of encouragement for the task ahead. Coach Andy did his bit to fire up the troops before they took to the pitch.

There was a slight chill as Webster sent out a strong starting eleven to begin the match. Joe McCarthy continued in goal behind a back four of Reuben, Nik, Colin, and Amrit. Rob Ledger and Teddy-T took up the wings, either side of Stevie Leitch and Robin Tunderman, who were in central midfield. Andy House slotted into the hold behind Leon, who was the lone striker. That left Mickey Sprostons, Dave Plumb, Matt Lewis, Matt Wickham, and Tom John to make up a very strong bench.

As is their norm, the Parkers started slowly. In the opening ten or fifteen minutes, some slack marking and a tendency to needlessly concede possession in midfield from the home side handed the initiative to the visitors. Rather than seize on the thirds’ early match lethargy and take advantage of the opportunity to display their footballing ability, the Spiders laid down their marker for the day. The Parkers’ backline was subject to a barrage of hoof balls as the visitors tried to Bolton them into submission. Although there were a couple of near misses, they dealt with the threat without too much trouble.

As the MPFC midfield started to find their feet after the initial stage of the match, the Spiders started to show their true colours. Once they realised that they were in a match where the opposition wouldn’t be intimidated by their size and bullying attempts, they started to go down and cry to the referee whenever a Middle Park player ever had the audacity to challenge them for the ball. Truth be told, it was pretty embarrassing having to watch a bunch of paper English hard men whinge like a bunch of 8-year-olds at recess.

After a scoreless first-half, the second half was far more eventful. Coach Andy made two substitutions to start the half, sending on Sprozz Daddy for Stevie Leitch and ‘Sugar’ Plumb for Nik Trainor. It took only fifteen minutes of the second half for the Parkers to kick things off. After Leon was fouled wide on the left-wing edge of the Spiders’ box, Ammers stepped up and took Robbie Ledger’s advice to go for the far post by promptly curling one magnificently inside the near post. One-nil to the Parkers.

Sadly, the lead didn’t last nearly as long as one would have hoped. From a Spiders’ corner, an attacker managed to squeeze in front of Robin at the front post, sneaking a header behind Joe, who had been magnificent up to that point. A further ten minutes later, the ale house ballers from Lagoon had stolen a second, when a typical long throw-in caught a gust of wind and carried to a Spiders’ striker who had drifted past Ammers. Joe came out to challenge but the ball found its way to another free Spider who slotted into the uncovered goal.

In the end, it was harsh on the Parkers. However, the hard lesson that the team that plays better football doesn’t always win could prove valuable for the boys going forward. Credit to the Spiders, who have parlayed a severe lack of imagination and some big bodies into an excellent season.