Middle Park Football Club

Not Peruvian Independence Day 2009 

The Reserves, better known as the Showmen of MPFC, arrived at Peru United with high hopes on a superb Sunday afternoon, which also happened to coincide with the Peruvian Independence Day. Promises of panpipe music, Peruvian delicacies, South American women and general festivities were enough to ensure most players came to the game a bit early - promises of strapping Peruvian men were enough to ensure that Will ‘The Poodle’ Bleakley and Andy ‘Susan Boyle’s Nephew’ Lumsden would also turn up. Disappointingly, most of the festivities had taken place the day before.

Everybody looked quite focused before the game, none more so than team mascot Ally Cook who stood drooling and daydreaming about a (not to be named) teammate’s navel tattoo – disturbing I know... Additionally, a couple of good games in that past couple of weeks meant that the team was feeling quite confident – although the confidence took a bit of a knock when everybody realised that the skipper Andy ‘The Kat’ Kateiva was fit again. 

The Starting Line-up – Emil ‘If I Was 10 Years Younger’ Matulic in goals. Johnny ‘Vegas’ Peyton, The Kat, Steve ‘Brightsleeves’ Tully and Remco ‘Machete’ Ten Harkel across the back. The Poodle, Eric ‘Wolfman’ Starrs, Chris ‘The Lovemachine’ Logie and Matt ‘Merlin’s-Beard’ Lewis started across the middle. Snowman and Berry ‘I Won the Golden Boot Last Year’ Driessen starting up front - A ramshackle conglomerate of degenerates if ever I saw one.

From the outset of the game the MPFC team looked far more composed and purposeful on the field. The ever dependable backline was an impenetrable wall as always – Brightsleeves and The Kat combining well to kill the ball before it reached the ground. Additionally, the gambles of Vegas and Machetes cutting runs were paying off and creating a lot of space for The Poodle and Merlin’s-Beard to run into... Seemingly they all filled up with high octane fuel before the game and were leaving their defenders in their dust.

Sustained pressure and great passing between The Lovemachine and Wolfman was opening the game up. As if Bez remembering to oil SuBo’s Nephew’s joints and tighten his bolts before the game wasn’t enough, he also felt the need to gift him with a pass in front of goal. MPFC players standing behind were ducking for cover (those ‘legs’ have been known to dislodge from time to time) as he  swivelled and swung his hinges and blasted the ball into the back of the net... 1-0 Parkers...

The Poodle was opening up opportunities all over the park and had his marker’s number (his phone number). A sublime run down the wing, twinkle-toeing his way through defenders, the Poodle was through on goal with just the keeper to beat. Unselfishly, he drew the keeper and unleashed  ‘I Won the Golden Boot Last Year’ Driessen with no keeper to challenge, which is when a very peculiar thing happened – his shin extended and stole the ball off his boot and over the cross-bar... Spinning around in surprise Berry’s hopes were dashed as the offside’s flag stayed down... The Machete looked worried, had the fabled illness Dutchmen’s Shin crippled yet another Dutchman... and was he next???

MPFC were putting together some class plays on the day, but were not capitalising on their opportunities. However, five minutes before half time, Machete angled a good ball inside to The Love Machine, who turned, outpaced his marker and unleashed a furious shot into the bottom right corner. Unfortunately, the wind speed generated through the ferocity of the shot also shattered pan-pipes that were being prepared by Peruvian minstrels for the festivities... A necessary evil... 2-0 Parkers!

Half time saw the team looking fairly relaxed and with the hard to receive nod of approval coming from ‘If I Was 10 Years Younger’ Matulic and the exceptionally eloquent, well-spoken and neutral accented Lee ‘Cuz’ Gordon – the team took the field for yet another entertaining half of sublime football.

The 2nd half started as the 1^st half had ended, with MPFC firmly in control. Long passing moves were strung together and attractive football was played all over the park. In a long passing movement across the field, up the win and into the box saw Berry capping of a fine movement with finish worthy of a beer... The Machete breathed a sigh of relief... 3-0 Parkers

The backline were providing excellent ball for the full-backs and midfielders, who were displaying better composure and initiative than usual... Blistering runs by The Poodle and Merlins-Beard were leaving Peru’s defenders panting and sweaty, which was correspondingly distracted The Poodle to such an extent that Cuz was forced to substitute him for Dave ‘Sugar-Tits’ Hearn... Phil ‘The Rafflemaster’ Dibbs blazed onto the pitch replacing a battered Brightsleeves who fought through a rib injury and bruising encounters with angry opposition player...

Continuously taking the Peruvians apart, MPFC generated chances akimbo and should have been several goals further ahead at this stage. Sugar-Tits and The Rafflemaster performed admirably and boosted the field with their energy and combined experience somewhere in the region of 100 years... With good providing to the forwards, Bez went on to double his tally with a smartly taken effort, which well and truly expelled the Dutchman Shin from his system. 4-0 Parkers

All in all, the game was great – good to watch and entertaining, flowing football... A usually composed Cuz shed a few tears, which he hid from his players whom he demands respect from, as he watched the triangle passing practice finally paying off.

As the Heineken flowed and players enjoyed Cavales con pan (A Peruvian national dish comprised of pork and olives which are baked in maize meal and served with slices of sweet potato, onion and a bread roll), the day after the Peruvian Independence day will go down in history as Sunday the 26^th of July.